you can't hide inside when you have visitors
diary of a girl fighting anxiety by going outside: week 1 report
006 of “the aftermath of a life on pause” series
hi, you know when you’re in physical pain, and you wait to see if it gets better, but it doesn’t, so you build up the courage to call your doctor’s office and make an appointment just to be sure you’re not dying of cancer… then when the appointment finally comes you’re sitting in front of your doctor trying to explain your symptoms but they just happen to be gone… and you’re like: i swear i’m not making this up, i really was in pain.
it’s as if the mere act of sitting in front of your doctor is some kind of magical cure or cruel joke to embarrass you. happens every time.
this is kinda what it’s felt like in my first week of deciding to “live with purpose” and “get back out there”. read last week’s article for more context:
i built up the courage to confess that i’ve been doing nothing with my life (after overcoming sever medical trauma and being able to walk again). i’ve just been hiding indoors, reading & rotting. when i finally made the decision to “call the doctor” - see: make a plan to get my ass out of the house - i’m suddenly busy af and have no need for my big “plan”.
then, like the doctor scenario, i’m looking stupid on my instagram stories like: i swear i’m not making this up, I really was/am in (mental) pain… and this is the only time i’ve spent 3 consecutive days off my couch. ugh.
anyways, the report:
WEEK 1 REPORT
times visited parents: dad - 1, mom - 3, yiayia (grandma) - 2, maternal grandma’s side of family - 1 big fat greek fam jam <3
# of coffee shops visited: 0 - honestly am surprised by this one, i’m a hoe for a coffee shop.
minutes spent people watching: 60 - click here to listen to what i saw
acts of kindness: 1 - shared my umbrella with a girl named Shanise, who was in town performing with Ben Platt at Massey Hall. did out of goodness of my hear, not for this mission but still counting it. felt cringe pulling out my phone to document the moment, will work on this.
# of date nights executed: 1 - made boyfriend a big charcuterie board of all his favourite meats & cheeses, plus a keto fried pickle surprise. click here for proof
scheduled coffee dates with friends: 0 - :(
creative activities finished: does editing a few videos & writing on substack count? no? ok so none then.
the reason i’ve been spending so much time out of my apartment “doing things”, with family mostly, is because my cousins from Greece are in town for the month. you can’t be hide inside when you have visitors from another country. it’s honestly great, because it’s kind of effortless. i don’t have to actually think, i just have to transport myself to the suburbs.
a part of me wanted to start this “taking the wheel of my life” series because in all of my favourite memoirs i’ve read, of women going through trauma, there seemed to be some kind of solo healing expedition in the aftermath. which i interpreted as their catalyst to propelling them back into “the kingdom of the well”.
Did I need to go on some kind of Liz Gilbert Eat, Pray, Love journey? A 100-day Suleika Jaouad road trip? An 1100-mile Pacific Crest Trail trek Cheryl Strayed style, to recover? To find myself. Did I need to leave everything behind and move to a new country like I’d done at 21 or, is it possible to achieve growth without running away?
- do we need to run away to find ourselves?
while it doesn’t feel like this week’s mission has been a true success - technically only 4 out of 7 activities were completed and only 3 videos were made and it does kind of feel like cheating because i’m supposed to be “taking the wheel” and these activities are being decided for me - it’s still a step in the right direction. my main goal was fulfilled: to get out of the house and live life.
so with that, i promise to not be a mean b*tch to myself and take this as a win :) the timeline was “summer” anyways, and there are still 81 days left of that. plenty of time, right?! right.
with love,
EVIE <3
ps. what was the best thing YOU DID this past week? let me know in the comments!!!